An Open Heart Through Infertility

After returning home from a long Christmas vacation up north, Z and I started this year off with fireworks (literally) and feeling like new people. We made it through NYE this year without any puffy eyes and it was beautiful! 

After meeting with a doctor for a second opinion in December, as well as reviewing our status with our current doctor here in Miami, we changed our treatment protocol going forward. This January we moved off of attempting IVF, what would have been the fourth time, for a few reasons. Back to IUI - sigh. Though, IUI is also pretty slim in our favor, it is our best shot right now with what we are working with.

This week we learned our January IUI treatment was unsuccessful and we were really bummed, but not surprised. We will get back into another round of treatment come March, but in the mean time, we are headed to Jersey to be with my Mom on her birthday and celebrate the Eagles in the Super Bowl. It's my birthday month, too and we are venturing on a weekend cruise to the Bahamas - my first cruise! It'll be March before I know it! So, happily I have a lot of greatness to occupy me and enjoy over the next 20 some days. If there is one thing I do not take for granted, it's life itself. I take every day, one step and breath at a time and I am so grateful for every breath and step that I take.

In the midst of taking a short break and pause in treatment, I continue to be consumed by my daily thoughts and feelings revolving around our journey. It has been incredibly difficult to decide to move away from IVF & ICSI. It's hard to know that what originally seemed to be the best and maybe end all solution for us, is not a solution much at all. Not today, anyhow. We know in our heart that parting from this for now, and possibly forever, is what we need to do. I can't change my ovaries or egg count. It is devastating to know our best option for a biological child at the moment is IUI. As a couple experts have advised, it appears I was just born this way. Though, unfortunate and beyond frustrating, it's our normal to accept, like any disease a person battles to live with and deal with. Moving away from IVF has immensely affected the outcome of my life, and truthfully is the most lonely I have felt thus far in our struggles. As our reality continues to narrow our path, I have sought comfort in faith knowing that what is meant to be, will work itself out to us eventually. That being said, it doesn't make any of this any easier along the way. We have been presented with options of donor eggs, and donor embryos and adoption - all things we have devoted so much time scrutinizing, but for now, we are continuing on the skinny little path we have in front of us, until we feel it's time to branch off and explore an unchartered territory. I promise myself that my heart is open to whatever God's plan may be. 

For anyone that is reading this and going through infertility struggles, I wanted to share something that someone shared with me. It grants me some solitude and peace each night before I go to bed. I focus my daily infertility prayers on one thing. It provides me with focus and connection to something that feels healing. Below is a list of 31 days of prayer that has aided me throughout these tough times. Thank you for following along in our journey. It helps me to feel less alone and I hope it does the same for you. You are not alone, we are not alone, even when it feels that way. xo RCN

1. CLARITY
2. COMFORT
3. COMMUNITY
4. CONFIDENCE
5. CONTENTMENT
6. COURAGE
7. DISCERNMENT
8. ENDURANCE
9. FAITH
10. FREEDOM FROM FEAR
11. FREEDOM FROM JEALOUSY & ENVY
12. FOR FUTURE CHILDREN
13. FOR GOD'S GLORY
14. GRACE
15. GRATEFULNESS
16. HOPE
17. INTEGRITY
18. JOY
19. MERCY
20. TO OBEY
21. FOR OTHERS
22. PATIENCE
23. PEACE
24. STRENGTH
25. FOR SUFFICIENT FINANCES
26. TRUE BELIEF IN GOD'S PROMISES
27. TRUST
28. WISDOM
29. WISE DECISIONS
30. OUR MARRIAGE
31. OUR SPECIFIC SITUATION

IV'F Gotta Keep The Faith

Our date night Wednesday was Z and I's superstitious tradition the night before a fertility procedure (one that can get you pregnant). We ate sushi and drank champagne. My two favorite things that I will be giving up for ten months if I get pregnant. And guess what, I might be pregnant, you guys!!! Great news, but, here is the low down on what really happened this past week...

Prepping my ovaries for a successful egg retrieval prior to IVF (ICSI) turned out to be a total unexpected failure. I should correct myself by saying, it wasn't necessarily "unexpected", it was just something I decided to ignore the possibilities of, until it made a factual appearance in my life. So, it felt unexpected. Prior to our IVF cycle I did all the planning of what we would do if we had only retrieved the smallest number of eggs appropriate for IVF (five). "Wow, that would be the worst!" That would then mean the likelihood of a low embryo count. I thought about how we would handle that, like if we only got one embryo or two. Okay, maybe we would have to forego genetic screening and do a fresh transfer for optimal chances. Not what I wanted, but totally reasonable. I even tried to prepare myself for needing multiple egg retrievals. "Okay, Rachel. Be patient, you can do it a couple times." Then I did the opposite. I dreamed about having lots of eggs and embryos and only needing one retrieval in order to serve our plan for a big family. Dreaming is the right word there. We had all the paperwork complete for genetic testing on whatever embryos we did wind up with, be it four or 15. We were on board with the idea of doing a frozen transfer later this year or even the beginning of next. "Perfect, this way we could be pregnant and with frozen embryos in the bank, we would never deal with this nightmare again!" I had lots of plans figured out in what I thought would be all of our possible circumstances. I seemed to forget a few outcomes leading up to the event, which I am going to refer to as me being "positive".

What we didn't plan or spend much time thinking about was the actual worst case scenario or the second to worst case scenario. And, I am not talking about the five eggs that I thought would be the worst. The worst case would, in realty, be NO eggs. The second to worst would be one egg. And that is what I never gave thought to - that we would only have one lone egg that would result in cancelation of my egg retrieval. Hence, no embryos, no IVF or ICSI, no genetic testing, and no transfer. It was thoroughly disappointing. Like, are you kidding me? I was on the highest dose of injectable medications my Doctor will prescribe and all I got was one egg that took 14 days to mature??? I gave myself 50 shots for what my body should naturally be producing on it's own?? I would be lying if I didn't say how lonely and sad I felt sitting in the Doctor's office this week, waiting for my final ultrasound to cancel, only to be sitting across from Husbands and Moms waiting for their warrior wife or daughter to wake up from anesthesia after her egg retrieval. I am so happy for those people I don't even know. I also wanted to be doing the same thing. Sigh. Thank God, I am married to an extremely level headed, caring and pragmatic man that can work through this with me and make the most of what we are presented with each and every moment of this journey. He's also the most attractive man in the waiting room. Thank God, again ;)

The best news in all of this is that it only takes ONE. Per our Doctor's recommendation, we are making the best of this month and we converted our failed IVF cycle into another IUI. There is hope. Hey, we got pregnant before through IUI. Now, I just pray it happens again with a healthy baby. See, I told you I might be pregnant! This week was eye opening to me. I again, was knocked down, but able to pick myself back up. I realized Z and I need to be fluid with whatever best available option each cycle brings and be content that we have that chance, even when it can feel slim to none. This process is hard to digest, but I believe in faith, fate, luck, determination, coincidence, science and miracles. So with all of that on my side, I am still very optimistic something will work out. If the IUI does work, then we will feel beyond blessed in two weeks. If it doesn't happen for us, then we will still feel beyond blessed, but then start another IVF cycle all over again the very next day :)

Thanks for all the kind words of support, it helps me keep positivity at the forefront of defeat. xo RCN

IVF Update

With plans to begin our first IVF cycle at the start of this month, we were eager, excited, and anxious. For the month and a half leading up to IVF, I began my preparations by taking birth control and wearing estrogen patches. These were just a couple of the things to get my body ready and in sync with the strict timeline and schedule for stimulating my ovaries prior to my egg retrieval. My injections class, baseline ultrasound and blood work were scheduled for the first full week in September. I have never been so ready to give myself so many shots! However, the unfortunate occurrence of Hurricane Irma sweeping through Florida the week I was scheduled to begin medication, was anything, but good news. September didn't necessarily turn out the way we hoped.

The weekend prior to the Irma and our IVF start, we knew a storm was coming and because Zach is very on top of things like that, we intelligently began preparations. Zach and I had plans to stay in Miami Beach through the hurricane, unless we were given a mandatory evacuation order. Best case scenario, if the storm wasn't too bad, we wanted to be home so that afterwards it would be easier to get back to the Doctor's office for the necessary monitoring, blood work and ultrasounds that I was scheduled for over the next two weeks. Zach's parents even mailed us an additional YETI cooler from Jersey, just so that we would have enough coolers in case we lost power and would need additional space for my medications. We did not want anything getting in the way of our IVF cycle. As we monitored the news and government official updates, we knew that we were eventually going to be evacuated. So, with the projected understanding that within 24 hours we would be ordered to leave, we decided to get out right after our IVF appointments that very day. Originally, we were only scheduled for our injection class that day, but with the hurricane coming, our other appointments for that week were pushed up and consolidated into this one long visit. If only on that day, had we known that over a week later and our Doctor's office would still be without power, I would have never started with treatment this month, but hey, who knew? After two hours at the clinic learning how to administer my shots, getting an ultrasound, blood work, and signing paper after paper about things like who should be gifted our embryos should one or both of us die, we headed home to finish packing up our birth certificates, marriage license and some other important paperwork should our apartment flood, etc. The things you think about when evaluating for a cat 5 hurricane - crazy! In the final last moments of double checking we had everything that was necessary, I packed up the coolers with my fertility meds only to realize I did not have a very important injection pen that administers one of my medications - eek! Back and forth through email and phone, my IVF nurse and I were frantically trying to get in contact with my fertility pharmacy. Everything in Miami was a frantic mess as people began evacuating. Offices were closing and people became very difficult to get in touch with. Finally, they confirmed my injection pen would be overnighted to the hotel I was headed towards. What a stress, but a total relief! 

We left the Beach before many others, avoiding some mayhem, but let me tell you, I have never experienced anything like it. We drove 18 hours, including one hour sleeping in a gas station parking lot. Miami Beach to Atlanta usually takes about nine hours. I wished we could have stayed closer to home. The return would have been easier and more likely to resume treatment, but there were no hotels left in most of Florida. With the storms strength and size, it wasn't necessarily safe evacuating to any coastal town. A couple days later, in Atlanta, I began taking my medications. But, I only got as far as one morning round, before we made the call to quit. As we sat in our hotel room watching the Weather Channel religiously, as Irma inched its way towards South Florida, we knew at best, we would not be returning home until mid week when I would have already been past due for medication adjustments, and monitoring. So, we had no choice, but to cancel. Not to mention, these meds are SUPER expensive and I did not want to waste them on a cycle I knew was likely going to be canceled. We came this far with our journey, and we decided we wanted to do IVF in the best circumstances. This, was definitely not the "best circumstances". Though, very frustrating, I tried to keep it in perspective. Yes, I cried. Yes, I was in a really bad mood that Saturday, but then I tried to get out of my funk and stop being such a B to Zach. We found a cute outdoor spot, had a glass of wine and then took a drive out to the Atlanta burbs to visit family we had not seen since our wedding! The sun was shining that Saturday and the afternoon turned out beautifully, despite my tearful morning. The Hurricane may have postponed our IVF treatment by another month, but Z and I are grateful to have a roof over our heads, a loving family that supports us, food on our dinner table, clean drinking water, and of course, one another. We begin again on October 6th, our five year wedding anniversary. Maybe that's a lucky sign? I sure hope so! Positive vibes. xo RCN