Parsley and Pom Poms

Tis' the season to be jolly, merry, and bright, right? Right! Despite some major letdowns over the last few months, rather this entire year, I am determined to end this year with a smile on my face. A smile that most certainly was not on my face as I rang in the new year in 2017.

I distinctly remember how entirely miserable I was last NYE. I was angry, tired, frustrated, scared, and silently weeping about our fertility struggles. December 2016 was the last straw for our short trial with oral fertility meds, and on that very last day of the year, my best friend Aunt Flo arrived. I LOST it, privately, and then publicly at about midnight. Just in time to put a major damper on not only my NYE, but everyone else's that I was with. My disappointment about our unsuccessful attempts for a baby since January 2015 all came tumbling out of me as the night progressed and I began to feel more sorry for myself. I was pretty much secretly mourning our "issues" for over a year at this point and I suddenly felt like taking my sadness out on the good company I was in. NYE felt like a good time to be dramatic. Luckily, my husband and dear sister were forgiving of my irrational aggravations, as they both fielded the brunt of my ridiculous PMS x 10 behavior. Thankfully, they both love me, understand me, and forgave me. My attitude that night was representation of something so much larger than me being irritated that my sister was acting tired and not peppy (she was actually sick, sorry Britt). Ultimately, I was beyond angry that I got my period for the 24th time in a row, when I really didn't want it. I was fed up with what was only the beginning and I really didn't know how to handle all of my emotions. Why us!? The pity party and repressed emotions uncorking amongst the start of a new year was by far the absolute worst way to start 2017. My dark feelings on NYE became the overall vibe of my entire year. The two week shore vacation with my family this summer, should have been amazing! It wasn't for me. It was a week after our miscarriage and I was utterly miserable. My NYE sentiment was replicated all over again. I wound up leaving the vacation days early because I couldn't bare to be around my family, mostly I couldn't bare to be around myself. I LOVE my family dearly! I just didn't know how to feel and act. 2017 was by far, the worst year of my entire life. Beyond, our personal fertility struggles we have battled other hardships within me and Z's immediate family that are very undesirable. All of which has added to the fact that we both think that 2017 sucked, majorly. The good news? We are all still alive and I have lowered my expectations for how great 2018 will be, but still feel pretty optimistic it will be much better than 2017. If that makes any sense?

My intense feelings regarding our infertility struggles continued to cloud any bits' of happiness this year, all the way through to this November. By the time we canceled IVF in October, reverted to a failed IUI, and then failed to move forward with our IVF plans in November (due to ovarian cysts + low antral follicle count), my attitude had not changed, but got much worse. However, with the true nature of the infertility journey being a roller coaster, by mid November I had a renewed faith that things would be okay. Before heading to Jersey for Thanksgiving, my ultrasounds checked out and we were once again on the books for IVF in December. Maybe, just maybe 2017 would end with a bang. Then, about two weeks ago, I flew home early from our Thanksgiving trip to make it to the doctor on schedule to begin treatment. It was the first time that Zach wouldn't make it to our baseline appointment, but it was also the first time I felt strong enough in our situation that I wasn't even phased by it. I could handle this visit alone, so I thought. Three hours of waiting at the Doctor (not exaggerating) went by as slowly as it sounds. Then, it all happened again. Two more "new" cysts and an extremely low antral follicle count. For those that may not know all this fertility jargon, to put it in perspective, many studies would indicate 14 antral follicles to be normal, nine to be low, and four or less as extremely low. Me? I had one, total. Again, no chance at IVF this month due to my bodies predictions that I would again reject the medications and we would be lead to cancel another IVF cycle. My strong mentality going into the appointment was real, but it ended quickly for obvious reasons. I left the office once again, teary eyed and feeling helpless. My drive back over the MacArthur causeway home to beautiful sunny Miami Beach, whilst wiping away at my wet cheeks, was all too familiar.

This January marks three years that have been unsuccessful in our journey of what feels like a lifetime. We are attempting IVF again In Jan/Feb when I will be prepped again for hopefully, not the inevitable and we have a second opinion scheduled soon with a top doc in NJ that specializes in our needs. At this point, we are still heavy on the trail to begin the growth of our family with a biological baby. It could take a while or maybe it won't happen the way we dreamed, but we're still working on it. However, I feel blessed and thankful to God for allowing my heart to open more and more each day to other plans he may have for us. I have been very mad at God, like A LOT and not really accepting of any of this madness. But, today I stand here and I am very thankful to him and I trust his plan. I have had to ease into letting go and accepting that I am not in control. The roller coaster moments this year have been tough. I not only hate the ups and downs for what they are, but I have really struggled with not being "me" this last year. As this year closes, I have felt a change towards authentic positivity, and it feels good.

Thanks again for all the prayers, thoughts, chocolate, cards, texts, long talks over tears and cocktails, hugs, flowers, fruit, and love from all my supporters. It has curbed my pain at moments when I really, really needed it. Cheers to hope in 2018! xo RCN

With plans to begin our first IVF cycle at the start of this month, we were eager, excited, and anxious. For the month and a half leading up to IVF, I began my preparations by taking birth control and wearing estrogen patches. These were just a couple of the things to get my body ready and in sync with the strict timeline and schedule for stimulating my ovaries prior to my egg retrieval. My injections class, baseline ultrasound and blood work were scheduled for the first full week in September. I have never been so ready to give myself so many shots! However, the unfortunate occurrence of Hurricane Irma sweeping through Florida the week I was scheduled to begin medication, was anything, but good news. September didn't necessarily turn out the way we hoped.

The weekend prior to the Irma and our IVF start, we knew a storm was coming and because Zach is very on top of things like that, we intelligently began preparations. Zach and I had plans to stay in Miami Beach through the hurricane, unless we were given a mandatory evacuation order. Best case scenario, if the storm wasn't too bad, we wanted to be home so that afterwards it would be easier to get back to the Doctor's office for the necessary monitoring, blood work and ultrasounds that I was scheduled for over the next two weeks. Zach's parents even mailed us an additional YETI cooler from Jersey, just so that we would have enough coolers in case we lost power and would need additional space for my medications. We did not want anything getting in the way of our IVF cycle. As we monitored the news and government official updates, we knew that we were eventually going to be evacuated. So, with the projected understanding that within 24 hours we would be ordered to leave, we decided to get out right after our IVF appointments that very day. Originally, we were only scheduled for our injection class that day, but with the hurricane coming, our other appointments for that week were pushed up and consolidated into this one long visit. If only on that day, had we known that over a week later and our Doctor's office would still be without power, I would have never started with treatment this month, but hey, who knew? After two hours at the clinic learning how to administer my shots, getting an ultrasound, blood work, and signing paper after paper about things like who should be gifted our embryos should one or both of us die, we headed home to finish packing up our birth certificates, marriage license and some other important paperwork should our apartment flood, etc. The things you think about when evaluating for a cat 5 hurricane - crazy! In the final last moments of double checking we had everything that was necessary, I packed up the coolers with my fertility meds only to realize I did not have a very important injection pen that administers one of my medications - eek! Back and forth through email and phone, my IVF nurse and I were frantically trying to get in contact with my fertility pharmacy. Everything in Miami was a frantic mess as people began evacuating. Offices were closing and people became very difficult to get in touch with. Finally, they confirmed my injection pen would be overnighted to the hotel I was headed towards. What a stress, but a total relief!

We left the Beach before many others, avoiding some mayhem, but let me tell you, I have never experienced anything like it. We drove 18 hours, including one hour sleeping in a gas station parking lot. Miami Beach to Atlanta usually takes about nine hours. I wished we could have stayed closer to home. The return would have been easier and more likely to resume treatment, but there were no hotels left in most of Florida. With the storms strength and size, it wasn't necessarily safe evacuating to any coastal town. A couple days later, in Atlanta, I began taking my medications. But, I only got as far as one morning round, before we made the call to quit. As we sat in our hotel room watching the Weather Channel religiously, as Irma inched its way towards South Florida, we knew at best, we would not be returning home until mid week when I would have already been past due for medication adjustments, and monitoring. So, we had no choice, but to cancel. Not to mention, these meds are SUPER expensive and I did not want to waste them on a cycle I knew was likely going to be canceled. We came this far with our journey, and we decided we wanted to do IVF in the best circumstances. This, was definitely not the "best circumstances". Though, very frustrating, I tried to keep it in perspective. Yes, I cried. Yes, I was in a really bad mood that Saturday, but then I tried to get out of my funk and stop being such a B to Zach. We found a cute outdoor spot, had a glass of wine and then took a drive out to the Atlanta burbs to visit family we had not seen since our wedding! The sun was shining that Saturday and the afternoon turned out beautifully, despite my tearful morning. The Hurricane may have postponed our IVF treatment by another month, but Z and I are grateful to have a roof over our heads, a loving family that supports us, food on our dinner table, clean drinking water, and of course, one another. We begin again on October 6th, our five year wedding anniversary. Maybe that's a lucky sign? I sure hope so! Positive vibes. xo RCN